Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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