No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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