This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
