We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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