I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
