I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
