to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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