For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
