The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
