I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
