my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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