I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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