you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
