i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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