i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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