And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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