I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
