So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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