I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
