seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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