I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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