i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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