His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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