I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
