You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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