There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
