3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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