There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
