He kissed a someone with a penis
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
