Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
And then he peed in my hair
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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