Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
