I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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