"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize