my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
