and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
