just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
