the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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