According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
