My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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