I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
