Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
