so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
