Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
