I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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