i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
