The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
