I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
