I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
