She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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