Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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